October is Pregnancy loss awareness month.  Did you know that?  I didn’t. Not until 2016, the year my son died.    “Thank you for being here”  “Thank you for sharing”  “you are in a safe place” “Please pass the tissue” These are common phrases spoken at every gathering with Butterfly Wings.   Butterfly Wings Perinatal Bereavement services is a volunteer-based, charitable organization in Sudbury dedicated to providing free grief support services to families whose lives have been touched by death through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and newborn death. Their website reads: families “touched” by grief.  As a bereaved mother, I would say families that are forever altered by grief. 

 

Butterfly Wings is not the type of group that anyone chooses to be a part of, but for those that have been and are being supported by their services, it is one for which we are incredibly grateful.  "In our community 1 in 4 women will experience the heartbreaking loss of their baby. Whether it be at 4 weeks or 40 weeks or soon after birth, the death of a baby is a painful and devastating loss.  Many of these families grieve in silence” says Colleen, co-founder of Butterfly Wings Perinatal Bereavement Services and Registered Psychotherapist.  “When Shannon and I experienced our own losses, there were very little services in place and at times, no services offered.  Through sharing together our own experiences, the idea for a community-based organization to support bereaved families emerged.  We started Butterfly Wings, all volunteer-based, and in 2012 we became a registered Charity.  We’ve been introducing ourselves to the community slowly ever since.”

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A local charity that few in the North have heard about.  Early loss, Miscarriage, medical Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Newborn Death.  Words that most people cringe at. Topics few are comfortable talking about.  A charity that could be challenging to raise money for because, as Colleen says “it’s a hard subject to breach and talk to people about, especially to those who haven’t experienced loss, but it needs to be talked about.” It needs to be talked about because the support services Butterfly Wings offers are so desperately needed in the North! “To help cope with traumatic grief, bereaved families need to talk about the details of their loss, a lot, and they need a safe place to be able to do that.  No family should ever have to walk this path alone.”  The compassion in Colleen’s voice is why she is so amazing at what she does!

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I remember the first few weeks after my son’s death.  The lost, alone feeling that washed over me when speaking about my son. The blank look on people’s faces, including the medical community, when I tried to describe the magnitude of the pain from the loss.  The embarrassing moments when people shuffle their feet because they don’t know what to say, so instead they change the topic, or worse, walk away.  The grief of losing your baby, at any stage in your pregnancy can be devastating and often minimized by society: “you can try again, it wasn’t meant to be, it’s God’s will”. How do you explain the path you walk? The weight you carry, the anger you are forever trying to bury. The missing piece. The ache that may lessen, but never goes away. How do you explain that to someone who has never lost a child?

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My first meeting with Butterfly Wings was nothing like I pictured a “support group” to be.  Ten women, and two supportive spouses, sitting around a table, discussing their losses, and the pain that has ensued.  I remember feeling very overwhelmed at hearing all the stories, but I also remember feeling in awe.  I was amongst people who understood how deep this pain dwells and were surviving it.  Not a place I thought I would ever find myself, but here I was openly sobbing with complete strangers and sharing personal thoughts.  Other women who understood what it truly felt like to conceive and carry a child.   Make plans and have dreams for them and then have the “worst-case scenario” happen and have that branch ripped off your family tree before it got the chance to grow.  The loss of control, the blame, the guilt.  All these thoughts I had convinced myself were unnatural thoughts, I was now hearing other mothers say about themselves. I was not alone….after only two meetings I knew, I had found a safe place to express my anger at the universe without judgement. Where people wanted me to talk about my child, his life in my womb, the days he lived and his death. A place where I was educated on how devastating a miscarriage is at any stage of pregnancy, and how these mothers were treated during and after heartbreak by the medical community, and by society.

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 “At Butterfly Wings we recognize the needs of these parents and offer free grief support services aimed at assisting these families as they cope with the death of their baby.  Through individual counselling, support groups, a resource library, creating mementos to honour our babies and yearly remembrance services, our goal is to support families in their grief so they do not have to walk this path alone.  Butterfly Wings not only provides support services and a safe place to grieve for bereaved parents, but their staff is committed to achieving a greater understanding amongst health care professionals and within the community about the emotional impact that can result from pregnancy and infant loss.  In the past, Northern families have had limited local resources to access following the death of their baby.  We are hoping to change that for Sudbury and all of Northern Ontario.”  Colleen is a mother who speaks from experience.  With one living daughter and 8 angel babies, Colleen walks this path beside the bereaved parents.  “Currently families experiencing the death of their baby are able to touch their babies, take pictures of their babies, create hand and foot molds or prints, keep armbands, hospital ID bracelets, blankets, hats, anything that touched their baby. In the years to come, that is all we have left to hold on to.  These items are of incredible importance to the bereaved families.   For an early loss however there may be little or no tangible evidence and such a loss can often be minimized by society, making it difficult to mourn.  A woman can be bonded to her baby from the moment she discovers she’s expecting.  We understand, for a mother, an early loss is also the death of her baby along with our hopes and dreams with them.”  Colleen’s words are humbling and true.

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Education, raising awareness, more far reaching support and a safe place for families to grieve.  Well Sudbury, it’s time!  It’s time to have those uncomfortable conversations, because our community needs you!  1 in 4 women are suffering in silence, which can lead to mental health issues that can greatly impact that person's life if they are never acknowledged or talked about.One of the most amazing attributes of Butterfly Wings is the environment they have created. Not only do bereaved mothers gather to talk about their losses, they have now begun working together to find ways to honor their babies and to create keepsake items for the next parents in our community who are faced with the devastating loss of their baby. “It’s not natural to leave the hospital with nothing after giving birth” says Courtney, a fellow bereaved mom “We get that.” 

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Over the past 18 months, I have often wondered what I would have done without the support of Butterfly Wings.  What would have happened to me, had I not had this group to vent to, cry with, share with?  This group that has helped me to find my way on this new path called “grieving parent”…and the only answer is…I hope that I, and other bereaved parents never have to find out!   If ever there was a local charity that was essential to the mental health of your community, Butterfly Wings Perinatal Bereavement Services is it!  For more information, or to donate, please visit.www.butterflywings.ca

If pregnancy loss touches 1 in every 4 women, that means you, dear reader may be one of us.  Or you may know someone who has been forever altered by this grief and needs a safe place to talk.  We are here. We are listening.  We may not know your personal story, but we walk this path with you. You are not alone.

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Kim Dittburner & Alister-Cru

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